What it means to develop genuine emotional maturity and a grounded sense of self — and how to build the capacity to live, make choices, and respond from that place.
Just because we’ve reached a certain age, it doesn’t mean we are developmentally or emotionally mature at that age. We can be 28 or 70 — chronological adulthood and adulthood of our psyche are not the same thing.
Most of us have experienced some degree of attachment disruption as we were growing up. That disruption can stunt or delay our development and leave parts of us operating from much earlier emotional ages. We can go about daily life as a 45-year-old while simultaneously experiencing or reading a situation from the point of view of an upset two-year-old, a traumatised six-year-old, or a very angry teenager.
We all recognise this. It’s where most of us begin a healing process: mixed up, operating in different ways, squashing parts of ourselves and amplifying others, not really getting what we want, but not knowing exactly what needs to shift.
Part of our healing process is to identify the ages we’re operating from and separate those out from the energy that is actually present within us. As we process emotional charge, more and more of our consciousness has little to no charge — and so it can be present. We can experience ourselves, others, and the world from the now, which makes for a much more realistic experience of what’s actually happening.
What Is an Adult Self?
An adult self can be summarised as the energy within us that has little to no emotional charge from the past, and so can be present.
This energy — this amount of our consciousness that is present — is available to experience situations more as they are now, and to make choices as to how to respond. That last part is key. When we were young and when we are operating from those younger states, we feel like we have no choices. The ability to clearly assess what’s happening within us and around us, and make choices based on both intuition and cognition, is one of the main markers of genuine adulthood.
One Thing to Clear Up First – Is Being An Adult Boring?
When we start talking about developing an adult self, one of the most common questions that comes up is: does that mean it’s going to be boring? Is the adult self just a flat, steady, present state where there’s no play, no wildness, no range or aliveness?
No. That’s definitely not the genuine adult self — that’s an adultified self. A self that has become rigid and is attempting to perform adulthood according to societal norms.
Our genuine adult self has choices and is able to embody a whole range of different states of being. It’s actually expansive and flexible, and it feels really good. Being present doesn’t reduce us — it frees us.
What Are the Features of a Genuine Adult Self?
These aren’t exhaustive — there are so many possibilities. These are the main ones that come up consistently in the work.
As a genuine adult, we are able to:
- Be in the present moment
- Make clear choices, taking into account both intuition and cognition
- Identify when we are triggered — when distressing charge or memories are activated
- Pause — this one is essential and deserves its own mention
- Self-regulate
- Implement consistent self-care
- Take responsibility for our actions, behaviours, thoughts — our whole self and our impact on others
- Identify and communicate our own needs
- Play (play is the opposite of, and the antidote to, trauma)
- Access, embody, and express a range of states of being
- Identify and implement clear boundaries
- Be willing to be in love-based, mutual relationships with others
What Does It Actually Feel Like Day to Day?
There is a presence in the body. When a child part is activated, or something feels off, or an emotional charge comes up — when we are anchored in our adult self, we can take care of those parts of us that didn’t get their needs met. We can make choices: this is what’s happening, this seems to be triggering something, I need to take myself away for a bit. Or the charge is low enough that we can stay present, own our trigger, and work through it with whoever we’re with.
Think about the feeling of being really grounded, solid, centred, present — and then going about daily life. Something comes up. Some pain, some charge in the body. And we’re able to stop, take a pause, slow things down, and get curious. I wonder what this is. This feels different. There’s a tightness in my chest. That ability to pause and slow down interrupts whatever circuits are running automatically. It creates a gap. And in that gap, we have choice.
That pause also builds trust. As we consistently take care of ourselves when charge comes up, our system learns that it is safe to stay with ourselves.
When we’re anchored in our adult selves, we can identify unmet needs and meet them ourselves. And if we’re in the kind of relationship where we can bring those needs forward — this is how I need you to love me right now, this is going to help my process — that feels genuinely mutual. There’s a lot of choice in there and that clarity means our relationships can flow more freely.
Unfusing Coping Mechanisms From True Personality
One of the most significant things that happens as we develop a genuine adult self is that we start to unfuse things from our personality that we thought were just us — but that are actually coping mechanisms.
We do a process in the work: getting really grounded, feeling into key markers of the adult self, and then separating out the fused beliefs and fused child parts we have been running on. As we take the charge out of those parts, if there is any genuine skill in there, we can keep it — and use it with love and choice rather than being automatically driven by it. We get to direct our life force rather than being consumed by old charge.
It feels like relief. The charge spike stops recurring. The dissociative states ease. We become more present and can feel more joy.
What Becomes Possible
As we operate more consistently from our adult self, we begin to lead our internal system. The younger parts of us start to trust us. Parts that were pushed into the shadow — and shadow isn’t only dark material; it includes our bigness, our brilliance, the qualities adults around us couldn’t tolerate, and so we learned to hide — those parts start to look over the wall. They see that another part was owned, and everything was okay. That trust in self increases over time, and more of the true self becomes embodied.
That’s what healing is: bringing into presence more and more of our consciousness, more and more of ourselves. Befriending all of it. And what that does is expand our range — how we feel, how we express, how we experience life. More capacity. More choice. More range.
It feels, as one of my clients put it, freeing.
Working on This Together
Every session, every group process I run, we account for this energy that is becoming more and more present within us. It’s a steady process — not a dramatic one — and it has a cumulative effect that becomes unmistakable over time.
If you want to work on this together, I offer 1:1 sessions. If you already have a therapist and simply want to come and do this specific work, that is totally ok. Or if you want to work together with this woven into everything, it’s present in all the work I do.
I hope this has helped you recognise some of the markers of your own healing process — and perhaps see some of those things in yourself already.
