Have you ever felt an insatiable hunger for love and validation?
In this episode, I explore ‘The Hungry Mother,’ a medicine poem that speaks to the experience of, and healing from, narcissistic parenting.
Put simply, narcissistic parenting is where the parenting is all about the parent; the two main features of which are where the parent wants to be seen as perfect, and they feel entitled to ‘get’ love and their needs met – from the child.
Because children need to attach to their parents/caregivers to survive, the child adapts to this reversed dynamic, and becomes ‘parentified’ – and the immature parent becomes increasingly vampirical and demanding towards their child.
We’ve had a few generations of really narcissistic parenting. We seem to be coming out of it now — learning and evolving new templates of relationship — but there’s been a solid few generations where this dynamic was simply the norm. Healing from it is a journey, and it matters that it’s named and validated.
This medicine poem is written in deep devotion to our wild and humbling human nature.
The word ‘Mother’ is interchangeable with father, leader, school teacher, guru, partner, organisation, friend, foe or self. The hunger is within us all…until.
It’s going to land differently for each of us at different stages of our journey. It might sting or bring tears. It might nudge denial or ignite rage. It might also validate years of confusion.
This is a medicine poem about re-parenting ourselves, about healing, and about coming home to our true nature.
The hungry mother,
A child starved of love,
Pregnant and hoping,
Fresh blood will fill the void.
Save me, sweet babe,
For that’s why you’re here,
Be grateful to me though,
Otherwise, you’re out on your ear.
Grow my dear child,
But not too much,
For I will hold you as a trophy,
Then be seen as good enough.
Also be my bad,
The things I hate about me,
And I will be disgusted,
With all that I see.
Perform when I need you to,
Be quiet when I say,
Be good with no definition,
Meet my unmet needs, every day.
Don’t ever challenge me,
For if you dare do,
I will discombobulate,
And blame – yes – YOU!
The roles are reversed,
But so what? you need me,
Put up, shut up,
And get crumbs in exchange.
For I am your Mother,
Without me you’ll die,
So be what I need,
And never, ever fly.
How on earth do we stop,
This cycle of pain?
We stop needing others,
To fill us up in vain.
This impossible task,
Of trying to get love,
Leads us to remember,
Our core essence IS love.
There will be temporary pain,
And yes, it will be hard,
But what’s the alternative,
Getting constantly charred?
The antidote is to love,
Without thirst and fear,
ALL of ourselves,
And walk away clear.
Free from the clutches,
Of a contract doomed to fail,
I am now my own Mother,
And live to tell this tale!
I realised my own Soul,
Was also seeking outside,
That – which was deep within,
Yet forgotten and denied.
And now the freedom is breathtaking,
This feeling of love,
Of Being All That Is,
I AM home, I AM love.
By Melanie Swan.
