Miscarriages are common and can be very tough; Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.
In this episode, I walk you through 9 guidelines to process the effects of a pregnancy loss (commonly called miscarriage).
1. Allow the grieving process to unfold
There are no shoulds, no have-to’s, no set format for how this takes place. This is your unique process — a very intimate one — and the messages that come in from the outside, however well-meaning, aren’t always helpful. What I want you to know is that grief will come in waves, and that’s the psyche’s natural safety mechanism at work. It will only allow up what we can cope with at the time. So even though these feelings might seem unbearable, they are present because we have the facility to cope with them. If we allow them, they will move through — and they will lessen over time.
2. Be with your feelings; try not to distract
There can be a tendency to analyse, to stay in our heads, to rationalise — and our cognitive function has its place. But when there’s been a miscarriage, there are just feelings, and the most solid, grounded thing we can do is be with ourselves. This doesn’t mean sitting still. Even washing the dishes, we can be with ourselves. What I’m encouraging here is to try not to numb out — whatever your numbing activity is — because if we suppress our feelings, they stay in the body and they will come out at some point anyway. Being with our feelings dissolves their charge. It makes the process quicker in the end, even though we’re not trying to rush it.
3. Try not to expect people to really understand or ‘get it’
Unless you’re speaking with another woman who’s been through it — and even then, her experience will be different — people probably aren’t going to truly get it. And that’s not a criticism of them; it’s just the truth of this experience. So we have to get ourselves on this one. If we can say, yes, my god, this is awful, this has happened — and I can be with myself — then we’re not dependent on someone else’s understanding to move through it. People will want to help, want to fix it, want to take the pain away. It’s not going to make much difference. Tempering that expectation going in does genuinely help.
4. Ask for what you want
This might seem like one more thing on top of something enormous. But if we can ask for what we need, it helps the people around us who genuinely don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to be. And we might just get what we actually need. Partners often suffer in a different way — men have been taught to suppress their feelings and hold everything together — but their experience is equally valid. Giving a little guidance goes a long way. That might be as simple as: hold me. Don’t try to fix anything. Just be here. That kind of direction is very welcomed, even when it’s hard to offer.
5. Rest and take time out — at least a month
The body and psyche have just undergone something significant, and, on both levels, rest is essential. The temptation might be to push on, to cope by keeping busy — but the day-to-day asks of the world, however benign, can feel completely meaningless while we’re in the middle of grief. Doctors can be understanding about this, so I encourage getting time off work if at all possible. Take care of yourself. Eat well, eat cleanly — whatever that means to you — and look into what will genuinely restore the body after a miscarriage. Anthony William’s work is something I’ve found valuable and would recommend.
6. Try not to rush to get pregnant again
There might be a pulse — a real urgency to get pregnant again, whether that’s coming from age, from desire, from fear of running out of time. I understand that completely. But rushing to conceive can also be a way of sublimating the grief rather than moving through it. The restoration of the body matters enormously here. I’ve known women go through miscarriage after miscarriage because there was simply no rejuvenation time in between — and with each one, the body gets a little weaker and the sense of having failed grows a little stronger. I don’t want that for you. If getting pregnant again is what you want, please take the time to restore first.
7. ‘Stuff’ may process out of the womb for around 3 cycles
The menstrual cycle will bring up the emotions, and it will also flush out any remaining physical matter — it can take a little while, and it’s worth checking in with a doctor or hospital if you’re unsure. This is one of the reasons I recommend waiting at least three cycles before trying to conceive again. The cycle might be a little irregular during this time — just notice it, track it, and let the body complete its own process. This isn’t a reason to worry. It’s the body doing what it knows how to do.
8. Do a ritual to honour yourself and the loss — and include your partner if possible
Ritual doesn’t have to be elaborate. It just needs to be intentional and personal. Burying remains or something to represent the loss, burning a letter, lighting a candle, saying a prayer — whatever feels true to you. And if your partner is present and willing, please try to include them. Men do suffer when this happens — differently, but not less. Being able to grieve together, to honour the loss together, goes a long way. This isn’t about doing it right. It’s about doing something that says: this mattered.
9. After 3 cycles, or however long feels right, re-energise the womb space
Once there’s been time to rest, grieve, and do some form of ritual, this is the moment to begin gently re-energising the womb. I want to be very clear here: nothing about this is about blame. Miscarriage often comes with self-questioning — what did I do? — and while practical reflection has its place, self-blame does not. What I’m pointing to is that for a long time, as women, many of us have been disconnected from our womb space. Sometimes there simply isn’t enough energy held there. A simple practice — sitting with one hand on the womb for a couple of minutes each morning, breathing love into that space — can begin to restore that connection. Start gently. Feel what’s there. Whether or not getting pregnant again is the intention, this reconnection matters.
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